Biblical Scholar : It Wasn’t Adam’s Rib, It Was His…

I don’t want to be crude here, but– okay, yes I do. I do want to be crude here.

http://news.discovery.com/history/religion/eve-was-created-from-adams-penis-bible-scholar-151230.htm

So this biblical scholar claims the descendants of Adam didn’t come from his rib, but from “a bone in his penis”.

figleaf
Man, did I have to look at a lot of penises to find this image.

“…the bone of contention — literally — centers around the Hebrew word ‘tsela’…”

Technically speaking, didn’t we ALL come from the bone in our father’s penis…?

Shoot ‘Em In The Face For Jesus

Angry at the atheist on her couch for being, well, an atheist on her couch, Anitra Braxton popped a cap in her eye-socket, and left the dead body shrouded in a blanket as a “shrine for God”.

jesus-gun

http://www.fox10phoenix.com/news/arizona-news/64863225-story

She later told police that the victim had been shot in the eye for not believing in God.

We’re getting new “What Harm Does It Do?” stories at an alarmingly increasing rate it seems. Perhaps the devout could pray to God to make them less devout…

Punch Your Kid In The Face For Jesus

“An Orlando man was arrested on Sunday after deputies said he punched a child in the face after they didn’t get to church quick enough.”
PunchedKidInTheFaceFor BeingLateForChurch

…the child he was with was having issues putting on shoes because of an ankle brace…

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/news/crime-law/deputies-fla-man-punched-child-being-late-church/npp3T/

Jesus slugs the little children
all the little children of the world
if you’re slowed down by your brace
Dad will punch you in the face
Jesus slugs the little children of the world…

Jeb Bush Has Baby Jesus In His Pants

I don’t necessarily link to stories to encourage people to read them. It’s more like: “Dude, I am NOT making this sh*t up!”

Anyway, here’s this one:

http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2015/12/09/jeb-bush-reveals-how-religion-informs-his-day/

= = = = = = = = =

Then he paused, fishing around in his pants pocket.

“I actually carry little Baby Jesus here…”

= = = = = = = = =

For any voters who insist on backing a candidate who outright denies having an invisible, omniscient, and omnipotent campaign advisor (who, by the way, would be first in line for the Invisible, Omniscient, and Omnipotent Senior Cabinet Official) the pickings are admittedly slim.

In fairness to Jeb Bush, he’s not the only guy on the planet being guided by whatever’s in his pants…

Pastor : Jehova = Satan

Pastor of the Family of Christ Church, Stephen Nti Mensah has advised Christians to desist from using the word ‘Jehovah’ because it is another name for Satan

“On the 31 of December, 1989, I got a revelation through a dream. An elderly told me in the dream that Jehovah was not his name and that it was another name for the devil.”

Seems like rock-solid reasoning to me.  Here’s the entire story:

http://pulse.com.gh/religion/controversy-pastor-says-jehova-is-another-name-for-satan-id4440121.html

In fairness to the pastor, it’s often hard to figure out which players are on which team…

Satan Pope