When you’re trying to come together with your brethren and sistren in peace and harmony, but there’s no place to park the f***ing car…
Priest Punches Out Best Man at Wedding
…or a Matthew, or a Luke, or a John.
Pastor Runs Over Congregation With His Car
I don’t understand it, but I can’t say I object to it, either…
…because you can only re-type the same friggin’ answers so many times before you snap. Here y’are, folks:
They only have like a dozen or so different questions. You’d better be prepared to address them…
Who do you turn to when you need answers? When you feel lost? When you need to know that you’re not alone?
Only few generations ago, the majority of Americans might have said “God”. But the latest polls from Pew Research tell us that, at least for millennials, God is no longer the answer. At least, not the most satisfactory one.
Who is? I’d argue, it’s the Internet.
And here’s why:
The Internet Answer Prayers
Granted, a Google™ search for “The Meaning of Life” is likelier to recommend a Monty Python movie rather than actually help you out of any sort of existential crisis, but an argument could be made that the Internet is just as apt at something like, say, answering prayers than any purported celestial deity has ever shown themselves to be.
In fact, thanks to things like online petition drives and networked charity fundraising, the Internet has a demonstrable and replicable track record of answering prayers and (unlike deities) it leaves behind an empirical trail of evidence to support its involvement in the phenomenon.
Some 75,000 petitions on GoFundMe now invoke the Internet service as an answer to their posted “prayer”. Sure, they still tend to give God[s] the credit, but the Internet is divinely humble, and not offended in the least by the slight.
The Internet Heals
Also, given the plethora of medical knowledge online, the Internet is demonstrably more efficacious at promoting healing than any god[s]. People die all the time waiting for their god to intervene, but pull up a high-res image of what happens to somebody’s face when they ignore that lump in their jaw and your ass can’t get to the nearest walk-in clinic quickly enough.
And while you can’t drop bitcoins in the collection plate on Sunday, they will get you a fistful of pain relievers from Mexico overnight drop-shipped to your front door.
Hey, don’t get all judgmental. You heal your way, I’ll heal mine.
The Internet Redeems and Forgives
Which is more sublime: confessing your indiscretions to a priest in a darkened booth or sitting down to write a heartfelt apology email to the person you’ve wronged?
And before you ask, yes there ARE anonymous online absolution services, for anybody who can’t bring themselves to confront the victim[s] of their misanthropy directly.
The Internet Does Weddings, Baptisms, and More
The Internet is authorized to perform marriages, and those ordained in the ULC [myself included] can and will baptize you online as well. There’s online counseling for those in grief, online spiritual retreats, and yes, even online affairs and one-night stands [for those times you’d like to cry out to God out of sheer pleasure rather than despair].
The Internet offers Immortality and an Afterlife
We lost R@y Tomlinson this week. If you don’t know who that was, the spelling of his n@me was a pretty big hint.
Tomlinson invented email. And just as much as Steve Jobs, his contribution to our lives lives on well beyond him. Further, the more prolifically we translate our own thoughts and feelings into binary perpetuity, the more of the inner-us can live on for our posterity.
And of course, I’ve saved the best for last. So here is:
The Most Compelling Reason the Internet Is God
Dude, it’s in the cloud.
C’mon, you had to have seen that coming…
Anybody want to buy my domain? Clearly, I can’t maintain my apostasy in the face of such compelling evidence…